OBSCURE FEELINGS // ACCEPTING

Sonder: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.

she  can’t   remember  the  last  time  she  was  this  drunk.  it  hadn’t  even  been  the  plan,  going  out  like  this,  much  less  having  her  vision  swirl  and  ebb  in  front  of  her  so.  the  plan  had  been  to  get  off  the  ship  for  a  bit,  get  some  fresh  air  and  maybe  grab  a  few  things  before  leaving  the  citadel  in  the  morning. miranda had come along, eager to inspect the rumored new armor mods in at one of the vendors and somewhere along the way, the sickly sweet pulse of music began pouring down the hallway from flux. just one drink, she’d told miranda, just one. i haven’t had a drink in literal years, let’s just double check you all still let me be a lightweight. 

it hadn’t been just one drink. it had been several and cerberus had most definitely had not made adjustments to her tolerance levels. she realizes quite early on in the night that miranda is very good at dancing, even if her initial protestations had been convincing, and her icy glare seems to ward off even the most confident figure eager to glide in beside her. (it occurs to her, through her sloshing mind, that they’re? having fun? together? she and miranda are having fun.) 

she dances terribly herself but the music is loud and she feels it all the way into her bones, each beat cascading off of her ribs. everyone is a blur around her, a galaxy of shapes and colors and species and, somehow, she finds it comforting. all this life, here and now and blindingly bright. everyone here is alive and there’s no shadows in the corners of her eyes, no ghosts lingering in the shadows of the rebuilt normandy where her friends had once stood. no, everyone here is filled with memories and lives she doesn’t know the slightest thing about. she doesn’t have to save anyone here, not in this moment, and the relief that comes from it is enough to make her eyes prick with tears as she dances, runs her hand through newly grown hair. 

they leave just as the lights come on, making her eyes sting as miranda stumbles ever so slightly behind her. shepard thinks it’s the only time she’s ever seen miranda not appear graceful, do something vaguely human. “you can’t,” shepard yawns as they make their way towards the docks, “tell anyone about this. we have, you know, reputations to uphold and…that sort of thing.” 

“right,” miranda nods blearily, “not a soul.” 

they pass a group of strangers engaging in what shepard suspects is without a doubt a drug deal, but it’s her night off and she shuffles past, ears still ringing from the absence of the blaring music. “it’s weird, being around so many people. they didn’t-, no one recognized me for once.” 

they turn a corner and miranda brushes messied hair behind an ear, “you can thank the poor lighting for that, shepard.” miranda pauses, seemingly in thought. “we could…do this again, sometime. maybe. if you wanted.” 

shepard lazily turns her head to miranda and attempts a wink, though both eyes blink at the same time. “our secret.”